I was the kind of parent who wanted my children to be successful at all costs; do well in school, get good grades and be skilled at many things. It wasn’t until my Danish husband, Søren, exposed me to another view of childhood that my parenting philosophy changed for ever, and our family is much happier for it. Denmark has been voted as one of the happiest countries in the world for over 40 years in a row. I’m a researcher and a mother of two children: Sophia, 16, and Sebastian, 13. We live in Denmark, but having also lived in countries all over the world, one of the most striking differences I noticed was their view on self-confidence versus self-esteem. In most cultures, we consider these concepts to be the same, but Danes sometimes explain the difference with a diagram of a tree.
Self-confidence is described as the foliage of the tree. It’s the things we can do or are good at. It’s our accomplishments, diplomas, grades or trophies. It’s what everyone sees, and it’s external. Self-esteem, on the other hand, are the roots of the tree. It’s how we feel about who we are as a person, regardless of what we excel at. It’s the core of how we feel about who we are – and it’s invisible to others. We often believe that if a child’s foliage looks rich with accomplishments and achievements, they must be happy. We focus a lot on this as parents – like I did. The danger is that the child can feel that “I am only worthy when I do, win, earn or act in the way my parents want”. So, their foliage appears lush, and they seem successful to an onlooker, but underneath, their roots may be small and brittle. What happenswhen the storms of life come
Jessica has lived in countries all over the world but now lives in Denmark with her family
(Photo: Daiva Gailiute)
There is a Danish expression, “at hvile i sig selv”, which means “to rest well within yourself”. It is a highly valued characteristic, and it means being able to feel good for who you are, not only what you do. This ability develops, partly, through the child believing they are loveable in the eyes of their parents. This can be done through basic everyday activities, play and hygge (cosying around together). It’s knowing my parents like me for me, not just for what I do or accomplish. Here are three ways we parented the Danish way, nourishing the foliage of self- confidence and the roots of self-esteem. It changed our family for the better.
Chores
Believe it or not, chores can be incredible opportunities for kids to feel like they are an important part of the family. Studies clearly show that chores are not only good for kids but also make them more successful later in life. Starting to include kids from very young is extremely important in Denmark. This is because toddlers love to be with their parents and work is play for them. It requires patience to include them, not perfection, but the Danish approach is truly setting your child up to be a helper for life. It’s harder to start with teens but it’s never too late. I couldn’t believe how much more enjoyable chores became when I changed my mindset around them. I reframed my attitude of “I have to” cook, to “I get to” cook and actively looked for ways to involve the kids and my partner (rather than thinking of myself as the “lone martyr”).The key was not to think of my “to-do” lists as obstacles to play or hygge, but as opportunities for them. The more I did this, I was amazed at how many lovely times there were to be had doing the most mundane things. I had a lot of nice talks with my teen daughter doing dishes or helping her do laundry, and I saw my son flourish with pride when he genuinely felt needed and capable.
Routines
Danes are really serious about routines because it makes life much more predictable for kids. Everyone operates better and with less anxiety when our lives are more predictable, and we know what is going to happen (adults too!). Routinesare particularly helpful for kids who struggle with executive functioning skills like concentration, organisation and impulse control. Infusing more clarity in the day reduces power struggles for the whole family -this is the Danish, no-ultimatums approach which is brilliant at reducing conflicts. I always thought routines were a little boring and rebelled against them, but when I saw how much more smoothly our family ran with them, I haven’t looked back. My son, in particular, was so much calmer once we implemented and stuck to a simple plan around wake-ups, afternoons, evenings and bedtimes. The key difference from other cultures was to include more time for hygge and play. I had no idea how much happier he would be with a daily structure, but he really was. This doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible – but having a framework kids come to know and expect can be enormously beneficial for their wellbeing.
Fun
For all children, play is learning, and this is taken incredibly seriously in Denmark. Play has been considered an educational theory since 1871. Despite being a mom who was initially obsessed with organised activities and “educating”, I chose to allow for much more free, unstructured play time-especially outdoors. We made a group of friends who also believed in the power of play and more independence and trust, so we were a small community of likeminded people to support each other. Rather than comparing ourselves with the parents who rushed their kids to mandarin, tennis, piano, math tutors, karate, and organic cupcake making classes, feeling like we were “not doing enough”, we believed that a slower pace and letting our children enjoy their childhood (and not get caught up in the competition) was the best way for us. This wasn’t easy. It meant letting go of many cultural norms and slowing down our internal pace too. This focus on self-esteem, not only self-confidence, doesn’t mean a child won’t become a high-achiever later in life (as many parents fear). On the contrary, it means that whether they walk on the moon or walk on a beach, they will rest well within themselves. Isn’t this the real key to happiness?
There is no magic wand when it comes to parenting, but the Danish way really works. It’s not just about the doing that matters; it’s the being together that does. We have so many opportunities on an everyday basis to enjoy our children and be with them, but very often miss out on them because we see them as obstacles. This simple mindset shift can bring a profound change to any family. One day, we mayall look back and realise that it was the small and simple moments that were really the big and important ones, after all.
The Danish Way Every Day is published by Piatkus and written by Jessica Joelle Alexander. You can purchase it now online and in bookstores.
