Denmark is consistently voted one of the happiest places in the world and how they raise their children is seen as a key reason for this. Katy Thompsett puts their methods to the test. I’m washing my hair when I realise that Jessica Joelle Alexander might be a little too good at her job.
My 18-month-old bursts into the bathroom, takes one look at me in the shower, then starts pointing and squealing at an enormous dust bunny drifting across the floor. As abruptly as she appeared, she vanishes, returning moments later with the dustpan and brush. The message is clear: shower time is over, let the sweeping commence.
For the uninitiated, Alexander is a parenting expert and bestselling author of The Danish Way of Parenting, which has been published in over 30 countries and is among the most successful parenting resources of all time.That book sprung from Alexander’s conviction that the way the Danes raise their kids is the reason why Denmark is consistently voted one of the happiest countries in the world.
With the help of a psychotherapist, Alexander uncovered the secrets of the Danish approach, which she encapsulates in the acronym Parent: play, authenticity, reframing, empathy, no ultimatums, togetherness and hygge. It is a democratic parenting style that envisages the family as a cohesive unit, striving together towards a common goal, and it is markedly different from other western approaches that separate parents and children along the lines of power, autonomy and (perceived) ability.
Alexander’s new book, The Danish Way Every Day: A Practical, Age-By-Age Guide to Raising Confident, Capable Kids Like the Happiest People in the World, is intended to help those of us who aren’t lucky enough to live in Denmark put the Danish way into practice in our own homes.Broken down into three parts – everyday activities, routines and fun – the book presents a series of what Alexander calls “parenting pitfalls” – things like making the house a hotel or focusing too much on presents at Christmas – then offers advice for avoiding these pitfalls using the “Parent” method.
Whether you have a three-year-old or a 13-year-old, Alexander is confident that implementing even one or two of the basic principles will make a noticeable improvement to family life.
Until now, I had not read a single parenting book. Since my daughter was born, I have relied on friends, family and occasionally Google to provide support, reassurance and strategies for strapping an uncooperative toddler into a car seat.
But we are approaching the terrible twos (an expression the Danes, in their wisdom, do not recognise, referring to it instead as the ‘boundary-pushing’ or ‘independence’ age) and I could use a little help. So I was more than willing to welcome Alexander into my life for a week.
What could she teach me about navigating the obstacles along this stretch of the parenting road map?Pleasingly for those of us with a never-ending to-do list, the first chapter of the book tackles the non-negotiables – things like chores, shopping, cooking and mealtimes – which seem to account for the majority of day-to-day life in my house.
Whether it’s an overflowing laundry basket, a stack of dirty dishes or the crumbs that appear as if by magic on the kitchen floor, there is always a boring household task eating into quality time with the family. Sound familiar? The solution, according to the Parent method, is simple: reframe how we think about play, which basically means turning everyday activities into opportunities to have fun.
Alexander says kids don’t really need constant trips to soft play or bowling or a museum – it’s much more valuable to make them feel like they have a specific role within the family. This encourages a sense of personal responsibility and self-esteem, or intrinsic motivator, which experts agree serves us far better throughout life than extrinsic motivators like punishments and rewards.
This is all well and good if you have older children or teenagers: Alexander has some fun suggestions for including them in household chores, like putting them in charge of preparing dinner one evening or making a game out of the weekly shop, where everyone guesses the price of each item and the closest guess wins. But what about toddlers and small children? The key is to see your kids as competent from a very early age, which is something the Danes are great at, but we struggle with in this country.
Young children, as Alexander points out, often just want to be around their parents and will happily get involved with whatever they are doing, however mundane it might be.To this end, I invite my daughter to help me sweep the floor, and my God, I create a monster. Within minutes, she is tearing about the kitchen, barking at me like a miniature drill sergeant. If there is a crumb, she finds it. The floor has never been so spotless. As the week goes on, we embrace the all-hands-on-deck spirit to varying degrees of success. The delight on my daughter’s face as she ‘helps’ with the washing up (non-breakables only) is worth the tidal waves surging out of the sink and across the worktop, while her efforts to feed the dog culminate in much more generous portions than he’s used to (not that he’s complaining).
Needless to say, this approach means everything takes just that little bit longer, which may not suit families who are particularly short on time, and you have to get comfortable with results falling short of your usual standard (it is very important, says Alexander, not to redo your children’s work). But we do have fun and how often can you say that about doing the dishes?
Another big part of the Parent method is thinking about the language you use with your children. This comes under A for authenticity and, among other things, means being honest with your kids because they can always tell when you are faking it, and praising effort rather than results. Alexander also identifies mealtimes as a potential parenting pitfall since we all – women especially – bring food baggage to the table. From moralising or demonising food to giving your child a label that might just stick with them throughout life (“you’re such a picky eater”), the implications of what we say to our children over dinner can reach years into the future.
Article originally featured in the Irish Independent.
