Power struggles around screentime is one of the biggest challenges parents face today. Conflicts and confusion in this area seem to know no borders, or do they? How do one of the happiest people in the world with the highest levels of digital wellbeing avoid arguments and tackle technology? Here is a sneak peek into the world-renowned PARENT model and how The Danish Way Everyday works.
Play– It is rarely talked about these days, but there are benefits to digital play. Our children are growing up in the digital world and for them, digital play is just as real as physical play. In Denmark, they don´t demonize technology because they know it´s an enormous part of our children´s future. Rather than shun it, they recommend that digital play should ideally be creative, physical, social and balanced with other kinds of play. Parents are encouraged to look for something they can enjoy playing too. This could be word games, video games or Kahoot, for example. The more open and interested you are in what your child plays online, the more you foster connection, respect and have less power struggles.
Authenticity– Kids don´t need perfect parents, they need emotionally honest ones. Check in with yourself often and ask these questions; Am I being a good role model? How much am I on my screen? Am I being present? Do I respect media boundaries? As kids reach adolescence, they become incredible hypocrite detectors, so it makes a difference to talk the talk and walk the walk. You will have a far closer relationship with less push back if you are honest and vulnerable, sharing your own screen challenges rather than just patrolling theirs. The Danish Way means having truthful discussions about what can happen online in an age-appropriate way, including the trickier subjects like sexual content or violence. The key is to be open, not moralistic. Statistically, our kids will be exposed to harmful or confusing content, and we want them to know how to spot it and what to do, just like we prepare them in the real world.
Reframe- As humans we are programmed to see negativity. This is called the negativity bias and studies show this served us from an evolutionary standpoint when we needed to look out for snakes and predators that could harm us. Therefore, it makes sense that when we scan the digital savannah, we are hyper aware of all the dangers lurking there. We want to protect our kids at all costs. The downside to this approach, however, is that we miss all the exciting things they see there as well. We miss opportunities to connect. Danes encourage parents to acknowledge their children´s fascination with technology and the many positive aspects, turning “no” into “know” instead. If they are doing something very creative or educational, for example, this is something to be happy about and praise for. Look for quality, not just quantity. Reframing is about building a bridge of trust, not fear and conflict. This is the best protection in the long run. If a child goes online with a terrible relationship with their parents-they are far more likely to fall prey on the digital savannah because they feel alone, unprepared and worst of all, won´t ask for help
Empathy– Danes focus a lot on teaching empathy from the time kids are very small, and this includes digital empathy. Being a good person online means being able to put yourself in someone else´s shoes virtually. “Den gode tone”-or the good tone as it is called- covers topics like; why faceless communication creates misunderstandings, why making or liking mean comments hurt, how to stand up for friends who are being bullied online, why someone can´t write back immediately etc. So many parents take for granted their kids know how to treat others in the digital space, but most don´t. Feeling excluded online can be just as painful as physical pain, particularly during adolescence, and it is incredibly important to talk about it. Keep in mind, our kids are using technology for the same things we are; to speak to friends, work, entertainment and relaxing. Children have so much to say about their digital life when we simply ask in and listen more.
No Ultimatums- The Danish way is very akin to the authoritative style of parenting. Studies clearly show that children from families who govern with respect are far more likely to be influenced by their parents, not their peers, as teenagers. We have a much more positive influence over our children´s technology use with an atmosphere of trust where there is no fear of blame or shame. Using threats and ultimatums can foster what we don´t want; resentment, distance and lying. So, if you do find your child looking at something you think they shouldn´t, try to stay calm and get curious, not furious- Ask “How did you get to that?” or “what did you click on?” Children are naturally curious and search for things without realizing what they might find. We want them to become good digital citizens, not punish them for curiosity. They listen much more when we treat them as an ally rather than an enemy.
Togetherness and Hygge- In 2016, hygge made it into the English dictionary, which essentially means “coziness”. Many think of hygge as candles and fuzzy blankets, but it´s so much more than that. Think of hygge as a psychological space you enter into with your family where you focus on the moment and being together. Hygge is a big part of everyday life in Denmark, and while they absolutely engage in loads of screen free time in nature, playing, baking and so on, this doesn´t exclude being on screens. Digital hygge, for example, could be watching movies together, playing a video game, or even just being in the living room on a device. Many kids feel that they need to hide behind closed doors on screens, but this is not what we want if connection is our goal. Moreover, having the tone of “I know best” when asking about their digital life can irritate or even provoke some children. There will be so much we don´t know abound technology and that´s ok. The Raising Digital Citizens kit is a good place to start conversations in a playful way. Based on the Danish way, these talks help bridge the knowledge gap with hygge not homework.
Whether we like it or not-the digital world is here to stay- and our kids are growing up in it. We can choose to delay it, ban it, or ignore it, or we can learn about it, talk about it and arm them with closeness and trust. What do you think is the best protection in the long run when your child is inevitably alone on the digital savannah? Most Danes don´t even realize how special their parenting approach is, or how much it reduces conflicts, but if the happiness reports year after year have anything to teach us about parenting, infusing a bit of The Danish Way Everyday may lead us all to a better future offline and online.
